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21 November 2010 @ 05:51 pm
I'm starting over.
 
 
20 July 2010 @ 05:01 am
In the past year, I have learned quite a lot about myself, as well as how relationships work, and what I want out of whatever one I end up in for the long run. I can't say that I'm not thankful for the experiences I've had, but sometimes I find myself wishing that they did not all turn out the way they did. However, I find that I have to trust that these things have all happened for a reason, no matter how hard it is sometimes to accept.

I spent the last few minutes reviewing old journal entries from this past year, crying, and I spent time thinking about where I am right now in life and how I got here, and what it means to be here. I know now why I do some of the things I do, as opposed to pretending I have an idea. It's about the journey, right? Figuring things out and finding answers really is nothing without the journey in between the question and the subsequent answer. The space that lies between those two things is what shapes us, and the learning experiences we go through should probably be appreciated rather than tossed aside.

I remember being so afraid to fall in love after what happened with Josh. I remember being scared of getting hurt, and afraid to tell anyone. I was even afraid to say out loud that I found someone who made me happy, because I was afraid that if I allowed myself to be happy, it would all be ripped away from me. Well, after a while I started to let go of that fear, and then one day, almost out of nowhere, we're breaking up. I spent a couple weeks trying to pull myself together, and figure out where I'd gone wrong. So I did. We got back together, and I was more cautious than ever, scared again, but happy because in the end, all I really wanted was this one person who I had fallen so hard for.

So when I found out what happened the second time, and we broke up again I was so shocked and hurt that I just didn't really know how to deal with it. All my life, I've relied on my gut and logic to figure out matters of the heart. My gut never steered me wrong, though sometimes I chose to ignore it (which was my own fault). So when my gut was saying "we should be together", and everything else was saying "sorry, but you can't be". I was, needless to say, pretty hurt.

Three months out, and I can feel myself starting to rebuild in this shabby, halfassed, hopeful sort of way. Though when I think about having a relationship with someone else, I feel like I begin to sabotage it in my head. I'm starting to worry that this last episode did a little more than hurt me. I'm worried about everyone now. How do I get back to trusting people when it seems like all the ones I've really cared about have hurt me for their own selfish reasons?

I think the worst part is that I really thought he was it. Actually, even worse, sometimes I still wonder if it would work between us, but I feel like ... "logically" I know the answer to that can't be the one that I want. Still, some tiny part of me holds onto this minuscule shard of hope that maybe in the future it could work.

And then I sit around, think about it for a good five minutes, and laugh at myself for considering that he might wake up and see that I'm the one person who would stand by him through anything, love him no matter what, never hurt him intentionally, and do anything for him.

But like a good friend once told me, "men don't want to be loved". She might as well be right, because no matter how much love I throw at this guy, he wouldn't want me. So there's my dilemma. Where do I go from here?

Sure I've seen a few people in the last couple months. I've made a few friends. I've tried to conquer some of my issues, I've tried to move on and get past whatever it is holding me back. For the most part, I've just been rolling with the punches. I guess that's all I can do for right now.

It's kind of funny. You know, how a guy will tell you what he wants in a girl... and you're everything that he mentions except for a few things, because you're actively working toward those goals. It almost motivates you to get there faster, but you know somewhere inside yourself that no matter what he says he wants, you're not it. You could be damn near perfect for someone. You could know deep down to your core that he's the one. You and he would make this... incredible pair. You could do anything. You could be honestly happy. You could have an incredible relationship with this other person, but for some reason, he's like a horse with blinders on and you're just out of his line of sight. He can hear you, but he can't see you.

And if he can't see you, you must not be real.

So how do you catch a horse? Guess I better get a lasso.

Then there's this... question in my head. The one where I wonder if one day he woke up and realized that I was his "the one", and wanted me back... could I do it? Am I too broken now to accept even the one person back who I put all this effort and energy into caring about? Or would it be natural, and easy to say yes?

Then I think again about the question and realize that it will probably never happen like that. That it's really over, that no matter what I do... it's not... I'm just not good enough. For whatever reason, I'm just not it.

But then that strange gut feeling pops up out of nowhere. You know, I'll be fine... I'll sit around really finding myself liking someone else, really wanting to know them, wanting to give the dating thing a go with them, and the next week, out of the blue... I start missing him. It's like my mind, or my gut, or something just won't let me forget. And then I start getting all weird about why I can't let go. I start wondering if I'm supposed to let go, or if it's just not the right time, or if God or someone is trying to tell me to hold on. Or if they're just trying to tell me that I'm not ready for something else.
It's a shitty feeling... not being able to give up. But I'm also glad for that stubbornness, because maybe that's what keeps us going as humans. Being stubborn, and not giving up... that's how we accomplish great goals. That's how we get to be what and who we want. I know that drive shapes us, I know that it molds us. But how can I tell if this drive is coming from my head or my heart, my gut, or some greater outside force? I might sound insane, but anyone who has any belief in some kind of faith believes in hope.

I just don't know where to draw the line. I guess I have to figure that I will be able to be completely done when I'm ready to be. Or when whoever it is I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with comes into my life, back into my life, or whatever.

I just know that I am capable of loving unconditionally, and even though I know patience is a virtue, I can't help but wonder who he is. Where he is. What he's like. When I'll meet him. If I already know him... you know... cliche questions.

But the questions are just the beginning, right? The journey to finding out the answers is what's important. So maybe I should stop worrying so much about finding him, and pay more attention to the ride. I still wonder what he'll be like though.
 
 
25 November 2009 @ 04:46 pm
As seen on FB. :P

What is it that you absolutely need sexually?: Passion

What is something you have always wanted to try?: Sex standing up, against a wall. (:

What is something you have never done in bed before?: Anal; ew. And no, I won't. ever. end of story.

What time of day do you like to have sex?: At night. I'm a night person, I'm always tired during the day.

What do you absolutely need to see to turn you on?: I don't NEED to SEE anything. I do need kissing, it's insanely hot. Beyond that, biting. (: Biting is number one, even before kissing, but...whatever.

How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?: I can just kiss all night. I love kissing.

If someone was in the next room while you had sex would it make you nervous or excited?: Nervous that they'd walk in, but after a while, I wouldn't care. I get way too into it to care about anything. Including how loud I am. ROFL.

Would it bother you if your bf/gf got naked at a beach or river?: That would be strange... Unless it was a nude beach... then everyone would be naked!!!

Have you ever faked an orgasm?: HAHAHAHAHA.

What Part of your body are you self-conscious about?: My stomach.

Do you have any sexual regrets?: Meh. Not really.

If a lover cheated on you would you take them back?: Not anymore, no.

How Important is sex in your life?: It depends. If I'm in a relationship, I think it's pretty important. It's less important to me than an emotional bond/connection, but there has to be some kind of physical desire. If I'm not in a relationship with anyone, I really don't care about sex. It's the kind of thing I save for relationships. I'm not really into casual sex, hence why I don't really have it.

How Important is love in your life?: incredibly. <3.

What is the biggest fight you have ever had with a bf/gf?: There have been some pretty intense/massive ones. Ones I don't like to talk about because they just piss me the fuck off.

Do you believe in make-up sex?: I guess, I've never really had make up sex. I imagine it would be something like angry sex turns into I love you sex. :D

Have you ever told a complete stranger something you kept from a lover?: Not a complete stranger, no. But people I am close to.

Have you ever rebounded and known you were doing so?: Yes.

Who did you lose your virginity to?: Josh.

When and Where did you lose your virginity?: In the Logan Inn in New Hope. ;D Haunted Hotel for the WIN. :P

If you could go back in time would you change it or take it back?: No.

Would you go down on your bf/gf under a restaurant?: I'd try it. Not that I'd get away with it, but I'd try it. XD.

Where would you have sex in public?: Movie theatre. :P

Would you ever have sex while at work?: Wtf, I don't see how that's possible right now.

Would you have sex in the corner of a department store?: LOL. That would be hilarious, but probably not.

Would you have sex in the rain?: Hell yes I would.

What movie makes you horny?: Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Interview with the Vampire.

What is the highest number of orgasms you have had in one sex romp?: I think the count is five right now. :P

How many do you wish you could have?: Shit, I could go all night. Hahahahaha.

What do you like Trimed,Shaved or natural?: For me or for him? For me? Shaved. For him? Natural.

Would you have sex in a dressing room?: Sure :P

What sounds do you like to hear during sex?: My Vampire soundtrack. His growl.

What sounds do you make during sex?: Depends on how hard he's going. Sometimes I can't breathe altogether. XD. Mostly breathy moan-noises I guess? XD. I don't know. I don't pay attention to what noises I'm making.

What words do you love to hear during sex?: I prefer it when he's biting me and there are no words. :D

What do you yell during an orgasm?: I don't usually yell anything DURING an orgasm. I'm too euphoric for that. If anyone can concentrate enough to yell something mid-orgasm, more power to them. Either that or they're not having good orgasms. XD.

How many times a week do you like to have sex?: As many as I can! ROFL. Nah, I guess like at least once a day. :o Maybe more :D Depends. Am I being ambushed and thrown against a wall? Cause that would sell me right there. ;D

Do you want to try the 69 position?: Meh, I don't really care one way or the other.

What are your three fav. positions?: Mmm missionary with my legs over/on his shoulders, doggy, and reverse cowgirl?

What are the top 3 erogenous zones on your body?: My neck, my wrists, and... Mmm...you mean aside from the obvious? LOL. the small of my back maybe? Idk.

Top or Bottom?: Bottom.

Bedroom or other room?: Bedroom, bathroom, livingroom, kitchen, his car? Lol. Wherever.

Lights on or off? Off. I like the dark. Lights make me sleepy for some unknown reason. I'm a little backwards.

Public or Private?: Private.

Partially or Entirely naked?: Partially, usually with some kind of lingerie.

Oil & Lotion or Candles & Egyptian Cotton Sheets: Hahahahahahahaha. Candles and egyptian cotton sheets. (800 count, right? LOL.)

Naughty Videos or Hott Photos?: Hot photos of me (if such a thing exists) to him. LOL.

Lacy Panties/Silk Boxers or Leather?: Lacy panties for me! Maybe some latex. Hell yeah. Kinky! :P

Fast & Hard or Slow & Gentle?: Fast. And. Hard.

Standing up or Laying down: both!

Soft or Firm touch?: soft, then hard. Tease me, then throw me. You know?

Under Covers or On top? Fuck covers, they get in the way.

Would you ever have sex in your childhood bedroom?: Done it. xD.

Have you ever hooked up on a swing set?: Nope, but I've been kissed on a playground. :P

Is there any desire that you want to try that you think is taboo?: Idk, some people think the vampire thing is taboo.

Any New Positions you havent done but want to try?: Hmm, I'm sure there are some, I just can't think of any right now.

Do you have any sexual fetishes you want to explore?: maybe being tied up? :o Don't know, never tried it.

Are there any secret desires you have never told?: Not any that I can think of, no.

Where in the house is your favorite spot to have sex?: I don't really have a favourite.

What is your favorite thing about sex?: The passion!

What is your favorite sexual setting?: There are several. :D

Would you ever work out nude?: Uhhh, I'm not doing ANYTHING that involves working out WITHOUT a sports bra. XD. Except sex. That's a workout, sort of. Yeah?

Would you have sex on the bench press?: Hell yes I would. XD

Would you ever fool around in a movie theater?: Yeah XD

Would you ever make a porno with your bf/gf?: Only for us. Idk. That shit might end up on the internet.

Would you ever do a photo shoot in sexy clothes for your bf/gf?: Done it.

Do you think you need sex more or less often than the average person?: More.

Who was on your mind while you did this survey?: He knows who he is. :D
 
 
shesanillusion
10 November 2009 @ 12:58 am
`*-; About three people asked me today: "How is your boyfriend?" Without thinking, I responded for him "good", though the truth is, my first thought was "Should I be calling him that?"
 
It doesn't feel real, calling him my boyfriend. It's not official, and maybe that's why it feels so surreal. So I thought to myself, "Kayla, you live every day in the midst of a surreal world, why won't you accept this?"
 
The answer?
 
Because it makes me happy.
 
So, why are we so afraid of being happy? As humans, to feel alive, most people feel that they need to "feel pain". That is part of the idea behind cutters; they want to feel alive. Those who abuse drugs, alcohol... it's all just a play on feeling "alive". Well, why can't we experience euphoria and feel alive? Why does every moment we are truly happy feel like sleepwalking through a dream world encased in glass?
 
We are so terrified of losing our happiness. We sit and we wait for the bad things to come along and break the routine of being happy. We wait because we all know that it is only a matter of time before something goes wrong. We fear it. We anticipate it. We let it take a hold of us.
 
I'm scared of calling him my boyfriend because it's unofficial (despite that we are mutually exclusive), which makes it feel surreal. As if, he will come home and we won't make it official for some reason or another, and I will be reduced to feeling upset, lonely, and hurt. So instead of embracing something that makes me smile (referring to him as my boyfriend), I would prefer to bypass it and call him what, my "prospective" boyfriend? That doesn't sound comforting at all! That sounds like "Well, there's a chance...", and yes,  I know that there's always a chance it won't work (and I'm relatively afraid of that concept) - but why not do something that makes you smile every so often instead of worrying about what will happen next?
 
So what if I live in a world that feels like I'm dreaming all the time. I hope, wait, and love my dreams - they make me feel real, alive, and sometimes euphoric. This world is full of magic, sometimes I only wish that other people could see half the beauty I do.
 
And for the record, I'm going to keep calling you my boyfriend.
 
 
shesanillusion
08 November 2009 @ 04:37 pm
Even the air tastes better, now. It's as if your name on my lips coats every breath in sugar. I'm not lost or broken; instead I wander openly into the unknown and embrace surreality with open arms. My heart welcomes you, my fingers tingle at the thought of touching you, my soul is set alight by the thought of your lips on my neck.

A short time ago I was hard-pressed to make a decision on whether or not I should take you at your word, trust you, let it happen as it may. Too hurt, too bound by thoughts of my previous relationship, I was worried I wouldn't have it in me to make it work. Something you said changed my mind. I don't remember what it was, only that it must have been something tiny; I was balancing myself precariously on a high fence with a very thin plane for my feet to rest on. Either way, I decided to give it a go, and here I am.

Everything about it scares me: the timing, the sweetness, the honesty. You scare me. You're falling faster than I am, and I don't think that's ever happened before without some large amount of coercing on my part. The speed scares me, the elation scares me, the fact that I'm already jealous scares me.

Last night I sat in bed and thought about what you said. I thought to myself about him, you know - the one before you. I thought about how cautious I was because of my relationship with him, and I thought about how unfair it was to question you based on his - or sometimes my - shortcomings. It wasn't fair that I was tempted to ask myself questions that hadn't been warranted by you. It wasn't fair that I found myself wrapped in a layer of faulty trust. So, I got angry.

Angry because it's not fair to you that I thought of questioning you, when you've done nothing to make me. It's not fair that I question this whole thing like I'm doing something wrong because it's soon, and because I am confused, hurt, and somehow wholly infatuated with you despite all of that. It's not fair because I want to love you, and because I didn't think people like you existed - that part isn't fair because I was robbed of that thought. It was taken from me, but I think you're giving it back. That is possibly the loveliest gift I could ever receive from you. Lastly, I think the biggest reason for my anger is that, in losing that hope (though not entirely), I am now pressed to question everything you say and to what extent you mean it. I've been told some pretty words that never came to light. Pretty words that would make any girl swoon, and then after a long time waiting for them to come alive, they turned into the opposite. This makes me feel like pretty words have little validity without action to back them. I worry over it, because I have to admit that I don't know you well enough to know if you'll make good on all your promises, but I have to trust that you will. Somewhere inside of me I love that new found uncertainty about you, but I am also frightened by my lack of knowing how things will end up.

But I guess that's the journey, and without the journey, nothing would be worth it.

je t'adore.

 
 
 
30 October 2009 @ 11:56 pm
`*-; I am blank. It always sounds so sad when you say that, but... that's not really the case here. I'm blank because I haven't got the words; I don't know them yet. It feels like they've already been written, but I'm waiting to read them like a long-awaited novel from a beloved author. I feel like they're really important; words I would otherwise be screaming had I known how they were to manifest themselves. What order are they in? Are there verbs? Adjectives? Are there plenty of them, or very little? I hope they are lovely, swirling, dancing words instead of the rough, jagged, angry ones I'm used to. Are they penned in a luxurious script, or are they scribbled viciously? Are there moments of both?

I should start with "recently". I really should - I mean, most stories start with that, right? In the present, near past, or near future?

Well, I don't know what the future holds, but I hope that it is bright, wonderful, and good.
I am not eager to relive the past, and I've learned some lessons I will carry with me.
But the present... here and now, and I am blank again.

I dare not throw up my hands; I want to figure this out.

How do I do this? How do I hopefully wonder about words that I am enthralled with? I can't even wrap them around my fingers, they are so elusive, let alone my mind.

We've turned it into a game: trying to figure out the things we disagree on, or don't have in common. I think I have one: I am a picky eater. I'm really selective about my food choices. I bet you'll eat anything, you're a man - that's what men do, right? I might pee my pants if we have this in common.

And we do?! I just laughed pretty hard about that. No peeing my pants though. I guess it wasn't really that funny.

We have our separate hobbies, but despite that they differ, we are just as passionate about them as the other is. I consider this more alike than different. You've got your cars, I have my writing. You work out, I make jewelry. I'm pretty sure we will have that working out thing in common someday, if you drag me into it kicking and screaming. :D I'd like it anyway. Ahaha.

So what is it I'm trying to say?

I feel cheap. I haven't had to work for you, have I? I consider my last relationship something altogether separate... should I? Was I supposed to learn some lessons so I knew which mistakes not to make again? Obviously, but I feel like this is strange. I haven't had to work to get your attention.

All I said was "Hi."

In that I feel both alarmed and secure. My alarm comes from the fact that I have never had someone take to me so quickly who didn't turn out to be frightening, weird, pseudo-intellectual, boring, not driven in the slightest, or some other thing that would make us clash quickly. I have never had someone I was interested in really like me back just for who I am, chubby ass white girl with strange desires. I didn't even have to work for your attention. Instead, you just handed it over. So I'm scared. Is this supposed to happen, and be wonderful? Or is it supposed to devastate me? I don't want it to be the latter, but all I have is hope and time to find out.

It makes me feel secure in that you haven't even seen me in person, and you're already so infatuated. You're clearly taking more time out of your day than should be necessary to talk to me. You're enamored, you're happy, you're open. Mutual friends vouch for your respect, your kindness, your honor. They tell me you're a good guy, really. This, in and of itself, stuns me. I don't know what to do though; I never thought I would meet someone so soon, even by chance. I thought I would hold on to being single for a long time to come, because I didn't want to be in a relationship like the one I was in just a few months ago. I didn't want to feel that way anymore, and so I run from those signs... but you have yet to exhibit any of them. I'll give it time, and a chance. It deserves a chance, doesn't it?

It just scares me, the timing I mean. It seems so soon, but I feel okay. It's strange, feeling okay about the recent past... especially this one. I honestly, truly, and wholeheartedly think that the one thing that disconnected me from it was being replaced in three days. I don't want anyone to think you're a replacement, I guess.

You're not a replacement.

You can be my tabula rasa.

 
 
shesanillusion
`*-; Not giving up 'til I break down.

IT MAKES ME FUCKING SICK.

If I could only say what I wanted to say without restraint, the world would shake at my screaming.

I would fucking defy gravity.

The intensity of my words would be so sincere that even I couldn't fake it.

I CAN'T FAKE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. You sick son of a bitch.

However, I can push it away. Because all it is is heartbreak. Because what the fuck is the use anymore? I can't make anyone do anything. I can't force the universe to align. I can't create new stars that spell your name, and I can't continuously hold up my facade that allows me to pretend everything is okay. Masks become heavy, after a while - you know. They're not just a part of you. They're active facades, and mine bears the weight of my once-world that I now have to rebuild from scratch.

But what fucking choice do I have?

Can you tell that I pick my poison well; that I have no more to sell to you.
 
 
shesanillusion
`*-; I don't know why it hurts today. Why I care today. Why I woke up with my heart being tugged on. I don't know why I'm feeling sick over it today; angry over it today.

But I am.

When I left, you promised there wouldn't be anyone else for a long time. That it was temporary. "Think of it as temporary."

I knew better, but I chose to let it go and believe you. I was proved wrong, not even 72 hours later. Three days. That's all it took for you to find someone new to fuck. That's all it took for you to find someone new.

After four years, you'd think it might be even a LITTLE heartwrenching for you, but alas, it seems as if that's not even the case. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Four years of my life that I did not go ONE SINGLE DAY without thinking of you. Every movement I made, every step I took, every bloody thought in my head involved you.

Now I'm sitting here, throwing myself into things that are so ridiculous that I can't even see straight. I'm trying to pretend like I'm not nursing a broken heart, but I am.

It seemed to be easier not having to listen to anyone come home and tell you how miserable you make their life. How you're good-for-nothing, and how you're this bad thing and that bad thing, and how you ruin everything you touch. It seemed easier, and it is. It's great not to have to come home and have someone scold me for my own existence.
But it's hard when I think that you could replace me in almost literally a heartbeat. 72 hours is the critical period for someone in ICU. Apparently, it is also the critical period for someone whose just broken up with their girlfriend who they "love" of four years. QUICK, find someone new to fuck! ONOEZ.

Don't tell me that I'm stupid when I ask if you miss me, because I know that you're lying to spare my feelings. We're not even together anymore and you still tell me how miserable I made your life. How terrible I was, because I was there. Because I loved you. Because I wanted to make it work.

I hope that you know that one day she's going to find out about your intense anger. You're going to snap on her just like you did to me, and if she is a smart girl, she won't stand around waiting for you to love her again. Because you hold a grudge, and once your mind is made up - it's made up.

I also hope that you know you're being asinine. If you think some 18 year old piece of shit whore is going to love you after three days, you're a fucking bloody moron. Even more so if you think you can love someone that quickly.

Despite that I want the best for you, I want you to take a step back and see what kind of idiocy is at hand here. I also want you to know how much it hurts me that you really don't care at all. You're not doing anything wrong, right? Well then, neither am I.

Hey tear catcher, that's all that you are.
Ever were,
From the start.
 
 
shesanillusion
02 September 2009 @ 03:05 pm
The woman downstairs is watching TV. I can hear the muffled sound of faraway voices through the tile floor. I don't know how long she's been watching it; how long have the voices been active? My ass hurts from sitting on the hard floor, and I keep having to shift positions so my legs don't fall asleep. I hate pins and needles.

I'm effectively pricing random things so that I can sell them. It's bittersweet. So much is bittersweet right now. The muffled voices on the TV were humming for a minute, maybe singing. I can't tell what's being said, only that someone is saying something.

I don't know what I will do with myself when I leave here. I don't know how I will manage to cope without my boyfriend of four years. What will I talk about to complete strangers? I'm so used to talking about Josh, about four years worth of "us", about how he lives so far away and about how much I love him. How I'm moving there. Moved there. Live there. Coming home from there.

It hurts to think about leaving, because now I don't want to. There's an ad for World of Warcraft in the sidebar on this page, and even looking at that hurts because we have so many silly videogame related memories together, especially of this one. How will I bear the memories? The photographs? The dress I wore when I met him for the first time, the engraved frame from prom that my mother got me, the little note and card he wrote me for our first anniversary. How will I ever be able to look at these things without crying? Without hurting? How will I ever be able to look a BLT sandwich in the face again, or go to one of my favourite restaraunts, or even sleep in my bed? Four years leaves you with a lot of memories; good and bad. I have a tendency to forget the bad, and only remember the good. So how will I be able to look at these things without cracking?

Sure, there's a part of me that wants to go home. There's a part of me that wants to stay. There's a part of me that wants to force it to work, and there's a part of me that knows that can't happen - at least not right now.

I try to surround myself with the words of my friends.
"We will do this, and this, and this. We'll have a big party when you get home."
"You're a free bird."
"Think of it as another adventure."
"I'll break the rule and hug the shit outta you."
"When one door closes..."
They make me feel better for about five seconds, and then I remember what I'm leaving behind. My boyfriend of four years. The guy I talked to about getting married. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My best friend. My confidant. Someone funny, someone who told me I was beautiful even when I was half-dressed, with my hair all unruly, and I hadn't taken a shower yet. Someone who thought I was gorgeous despite all my flaws.

It just hurts to have to leave that behind. Him, his family, this quaint little town with it's quaint people, and its quiet disposition. A friend, a lover, and this one-eyed cat, who is generally a bastard but is pretty cute when he's napping.

It's a lot. It's hard. It's mind numbing. It's painful. So many memories can't be easily forgotten. So many memories are almost haunting in a situation like this. I just don't know what I will do, how I will manage to do it, and where I'll be doing it from. I'm not sure. I have no idea. I don't know. Je ne sais pas.

I just want everything to be okay.
 
 
shesanillusion
12 August 2009 @ 01:13 am
I've come to the conclusion that I am not very good at controlling my heart. I lead my life by it's desires. I don't know that it's a good thing.

Sometimes I just wish that things were simple, easy, carefree, and good. That's apparently not the way it always goes, but I suppose I'm not alone in this.

Someone take me to Paris, to London, to Stockholm, to Prague, to the Caribbean, to Japan, to somewhere - and give me hope.