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10 November 2009 @ 12:58 am
`*-; In dreams, we run.  
`*-; About three people asked me today: "How is your boyfriend?" Without thinking, I responded for him "good", though the truth is, my first thought was "Should I be calling him that?"
It doesn't feel real, calling him my boyfriend. It's not official, and maybe that's why it feels so surreal. So I thought to myself, "Kayla, you live every day in the midst of a surreal world, why won't you accept this?"
The answer?
Because it makes me happy.
So, why are we so afraid of being happy? As humans, to feel alive, most people feel that they need to "feel pain". That is part of the idea behind cutters; they want to feel alive. Those who abuse drugs, alcohol... it's all just a play on feeling "alive". Well, why can't we experience euphoria and feel alive? Why does every moment we are truly happy feel like sleepwalking through a dream world encased in glass?
We are so terrified of losing our happiness. We sit and we wait for the bad things to come along and break the routine of being happy. We wait because we all know that it is only a matter of time before something goes wrong. We fear it. We anticipate it. We let it take a hold of us.
I'm scared of calling him my boyfriend because it's unofficial (despite that we are mutually exclusive), which makes it feel surreal. As if, he will come home and we won't make it official for some reason or another, and I will be reduced to feeling upset, lonely, and hurt. So instead of embracing something that makes me smile (referring to him as my boyfriend), I would prefer to bypass it and call him what, my "prospective" boyfriend? That doesn't sound comforting at all! That sounds like "Well, there's a chance...", and yes,  I know that there's always a chance it won't work (and I'm relatively afraid of that concept) - but why not do something that makes you smile every so often instead of worrying about what will happen next?
So what if I live in a world that feels like I'm dreaming all the time. I hope, wait, and love my dreams - they make me feel real, alive, and sometimes euphoric. This world is full of magic, sometimes I only wish that other people could see half the beauty I do.
And for the record, I'm going to keep calling you my boyfriend.