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20 July 2010 @ 05:01 am
Let's review.  
In the past year, I have learned quite a lot about myself, as well as how relationships work, and what I want out of whatever one I end up in for the long run. I can't say that I'm not thankful for the experiences I've had, but sometimes I find myself wishing that they did not all turn out the way they did. However, I find that I have to trust that these things have all happened for a reason, no matter how hard it is sometimes to accept.

I spent the last few minutes reviewing old journal entries from this past year, crying, and I spent time thinking about where I am right now in life and how I got here, and what it means to be here. I know now why I do some of the things I do, as opposed to pretending I have an idea. It's about the journey, right? Figuring things out and finding answers really is nothing without the journey in between the question and the subsequent answer. The space that lies between those two things is what shapes us, and the learning experiences we go through should probably be appreciated rather than tossed aside.

I remember being so afraid to fall in love after what happened with Josh. I remember being scared of getting hurt, and afraid to tell anyone. I was even afraid to say out loud that I found someone who made me happy, because I was afraid that if I allowed myself to be happy, it would all be ripped away from me. Well, after a while I started to let go of that fear, and then one day, almost out of nowhere, we're breaking up. I spent a couple weeks trying to pull myself together, and figure out where I'd gone wrong. So I did. We got back together, and I was more cautious than ever, scared again, but happy because in the end, all I really wanted was this one person who I had fallen so hard for.

So when I found out what happened the second time, and we broke up again I was so shocked and hurt that I just didn't really know how to deal with it. All my life, I've relied on my gut and logic to figure out matters of the heart. My gut never steered me wrong, though sometimes I chose to ignore it (which was my own fault). So when my gut was saying "we should be together", and everything else was saying "sorry, but you can't be". I was, needless to say, pretty hurt.

Three months out, and I can feel myself starting to rebuild in this shabby, halfassed, hopeful sort of way. Though when I think about having a relationship with someone else, I feel like I begin to sabotage it in my head. I'm starting to worry that this last episode did a little more than hurt me. I'm worried about everyone now. How do I get back to trusting people when it seems like all the ones I've really cared about have hurt me for their own selfish reasons?

I think the worst part is that I really thought he was it. Actually, even worse, sometimes I still wonder if it would work between us, but I feel like ... "logically" I know the answer to that can't be the one that I want. Still, some tiny part of me holds onto this minuscule shard of hope that maybe in the future it could work.

And then I sit around, think about it for a good five minutes, and laugh at myself for considering that he might wake up and see that I'm the one person who would stand by him through anything, love him no matter what, never hurt him intentionally, and do anything for him.

But like a good friend once told me, "men don't want to be loved". She might as well be right, because no matter how much love I throw at this guy, he wouldn't want me. So there's my dilemma. Where do I go from here?

Sure I've seen a few people in the last couple months. I've made a few friends. I've tried to conquer some of my issues, I've tried to move on and get past whatever it is holding me back. For the most part, I've just been rolling with the punches. I guess that's all I can do for right now.

It's kind of funny. You know, how a guy will tell you what he wants in a girl... and you're everything that he mentions except for a few things, because you're actively working toward those goals. It almost motivates you to get there faster, but you know somewhere inside yourself that no matter what he says he wants, you're not it. You could be damn near perfect for someone. You could know deep down to your core that he's the one. You and he would make this... incredible pair. You could do anything. You could be honestly happy. You could have an incredible relationship with this other person, but for some reason, he's like a horse with blinders on and you're just out of his line of sight. He can hear you, but he can't see you.

And if he can't see you, you must not be real.

So how do you catch a horse? Guess I better get a lasso.

Then there's this... question in my head. The one where I wonder if one day he woke up and realized that I was his "the one", and wanted me back... could I do it? Am I too broken now to accept even the one person back who I put all this effort and energy into caring about? Or would it be natural, and easy to say yes?

Then I think again about the question and realize that it will probably never happen like that. That it's really over, that no matter what I do... it's not... I'm just not good enough. For whatever reason, I'm just not it.

But then that strange gut feeling pops up out of nowhere. You know, I'll be fine... I'll sit around really finding myself liking someone else, really wanting to know them, wanting to give the dating thing a go with them, and the next week, out of the blue... I start missing him. It's like my mind, or my gut, or something just won't let me forget. And then I start getting all weird about why I can't let go. I start wondering if I'm supposed to let go, or if it's just not the right time, or if God or someone is trying to tell me to hold on. Or if they're just trying to tell me that I'm not ready for something else.
It's a shitty feeling... not being able to give up. But I'm also glad for that stubbornness, because maybe that's what keeps us going as humans. Being stubborn, and not giving up... that's how we accomplish great goals. That's how we get to be what and who we want. I know that drive shapes us, I know that it molds us. But how can I tell if this drive is coming from my head or my heart, my gut, or some greater outside force? I might sound insane, but anyone who has any belief in some kind of faith believes in hope.

I just don't know where to draw the line. I guess I have to figure that I will be able to be completely done when I'm ready to be. Or when whoever it is I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with comes into my life, back into my life, or whatever.

I just know that I am capable of loving unconditionally, and even though I know patience is a virtue, I can't help but wonder who he is. Where he is. What he's like. When I'll meet him. If I already know him... you know... cliche questions.

But the questions are just the beginning, right? The journey to finding out the answers is what's important. So maybe I should stop worrying so much about finding him, and pay more attention to the ride. I still wonder what he'll be like though.